Humility and Looking

Far more important than being sure and convincing

Photo by Kseniia Rastvorova on Unsplash

“As certain as weather coming from the west, the things people know for sure will change. There is no knowing for a fact. The only dependable things are humility and looking.”

- Richard Powers - The Overstory -

This quote reminds me of my friend Douglass. He was a university professor and he believed that curiosity would save us all. He also saw it as a diminishing quality among his students and society at large.

Every time I get curious about anything, I do it in his memory.

I think one of the most joyous challenges we can give to each other is “change my mind”. And then to really listen to what the other person has to say on the subject. You may still end up holding to your original belief, but now you understand why they think what they do. Now you have connected with another human being without the need to be in full agreement with them. It’s a much softer, more comforting place to be than needing everyone to agree with you or freezing them out of your life.

Is it because we live in a computer age that we’ve become so binary in our thinking? Is it that on social media we heart the things we like and agree with but have no symbol for “I disagree, but I still like and respect you”? There’s very little room for nuance in an emoji. But there is so much more to life than either/or. There is, as the poet Rumi said, a field, full of nuance and possibility and the chance for kindness and understanding of each other.

I love the phrase “humility and looking”. We humans have pretty much always been bad at it. Though, not all of us. Western Europeans got themselves into a situation of being so certain of their beliefs that there was no room for anyone else. You were either a white, western (preferably male) European or you were someone to be conquered. And conquer they did. Because they were sure. Because they thought their beliefs were absolute facts. And they looked on the world, on new places and new people with their very certain eyes and they missed entirely what was there.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if the explorers, the conquerors had approached their exploration with humility and looking? If they had entertained at all the possibility that they could learn something from the people they encountered instead of being so certain that they knew everything and it was their job to enforce their certainties onto others?

Can you imagine how we could still turn things around now if we adopted this stance? We’re all so certain we’re right. But what if we could take a step back, a deep breath and look at each other, not with the aim to convince, but to understand?

Of course, that would mean pausing in the headlong lives we’ve come to lead. And that’s not an easy thing to encourage anyone to do.

“If your priority is speed and a need to remain ahead of the curve, doubt can only look like a cost…But for anyone for whom progress just feels like the road to certain death, doubt is a lifeline, a little space for agency.”

- Jenny Odell - Saving Time -

Does anyone else feel like progress is the road to certain death? Or is it just because I’m older? Because I’ve felt death lurking as I navigate chronic illness, cancer and the fulfillment of a lifelong dream (have I mentioned I published a book?)? It’s likely why I just can’t get with the productivity gurus, the ones who say set a goal and then set another and another. Because all I can see is setting goals until you die, with not a moment to enjoy the ride.

But doubt, now, doubt is your friend. As Jenny says, doubt gives us a little space for agency, for figuring out what we really believe and what we really want.

Doubt can lead us to humility and looking, can help us get off the road that doesn’t suit us and onto the one that does. They all lead to certain death (sorry!), no matter how joyful the journey. But I’d rather get there via my weird and wonky path than by the road carved out for me by others. By people who are certain they know what’s best for me. I seem to have spent my life getting off those roads. It’s not always easy. The folks who think you should stay on them can be adamant. It takes courage to get away from them, to find your own path and stick with it, to wander through the field. But it is so, so worth it.

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SPEAKING OF MY BOOK!

My novella, Mrs. Rochester (a sequel to Jane Eyre) is out on Kobo.

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One of my Beta Readers said:

“I read Mrs. Rochester in one sitting. It’s really good! It picks up some dropped threads from Jane Eyre - why was the first Mrs. Rochester “mad” and who put her there? Was Mr. Rochester an entirely good guy, if a little grumpy?…

The whole thing was a treat to read.”

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If you don’t have a Kobo reader, you can still get the book! Download the app for free and go from there.